i_am_not_a_hero

jason came to boston. he was amazing. did anyone else see him at the orpheum? there are some clips of the concert on youtube. the date october 17, 2008. it was amazing.

but not all the time. i get depressed easily, and i tend to hide in my room, sometimes i go as far as to hurt myself. luckily, i have refrained from any self-injurious behavior for...three weeks now? wow. i feel pretty awesome for that.

when i feel at my worst, i sleep all day and eat a ton of food that i dont need, at all. really. it's not fun. i dont look for help, and i refuse to ask for it. asking never worked for me, so i just dont do it anymore. once or twice in the past few days. never works.

so then, i sit on my computer and play sad music, as most girls do, and just try to think of anything to get my mind off whatever's bothering me. so here's the really cliche part: you know how some girls are all like, 'my fave musisian totally keeps me alive!'? i wouldnt say they keep me alive, but they do make me think a little harder about staying alive, and that works for me. so here's the song that kept me alive tonight if you want to hear it:

You're Learning To Love Yourself

there's just something about his music that makes me happy and at peace. i know it sounds so high school, but its true. it always sounds like he cares about what he's saying, and not singing it because he's paid to. i always feel like i'm hearing the voice of...who or whatever created the universe, telling me and everyone that everything is gonna be a-ok.

i feel all right for the first time in several days. it's a nice feeling.

is coming back to boston! eeee! i'm totally going, yo.

sooooo excited.

"You have a biochemical disorder, here's a drug."

i didn't write this article. obviously.

https://www.massequality.org/gift/

taken from the mass equality website.

so here are some of my favorite old cartoons from when i was a kid. yes, i watched cartoons made in the 40s and 50s. they were cool. well, except for the racist bit, but other than that, they were awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1ZcXIj6654&feature=related little audrey "tarts and flowers"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ctnE8OZQXIo little audrey "butterscotch and soda"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARkFIiOBGd8&feature=related lil' lulu "bout with a trout (swingin' on a star)"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJGsnbmyk6M&feature=related betty boop "No! No! a thousand times no!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvvPrjNKYmw&feature=related betty boop "house cleaning blues"

man oh man. have fun, these were awesome in their own insane way.

i think we should take ALL the advertisements in the universe, process them, add some spices and throw 'em on a grill. we can have a huge party! and we'd be able to feed the entire world with all that crap. it'd be awesome.

also, someone bring drinks. i can't bring everything, you know.

dammit, miley cyrus. you suck.

my african-american and dominican republic kids wish they were white and reject their own beautiful skin because of you. i hope one day you find yourself utterly ashamed of yourself.

"The mother, father, and grandmother of headaches were currently dancing the Macarena in his main processors."

found here: http://community.livejournal.com/martinicruiser/28174.html#cutid1

all right. so, advertising has become somewhat natural in this high tech world of ours, so it's no surprise to see it on the tv, on radio, internet, magazines, billboards and sometimes, in extreme cases, on people's foreheads.

here's my problem with advertising...okay, so here's ONE of my problems with advertising. when i am surfing the net, and doing my own thing, DO NOT PROGRAM AN AD TO POP UP RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCREEN. I am doing something, and if that something is not about Citibank, or eharmony, or my mortgage, then it's pretty safe to say it's something i don't need or care about.

also, i hate the typical, unrealistic beautys they use in ads. seriously? i'm a fat chick. i don't want to see ads with ONLY thin blondes. fuck that. give me soemthing I can RELATE TO, not something i might lust after. it only makes me want to do the total opposite of what your ad is advertising. you want me to wear makeup and lose 50 pounds? guess who's gonna wear no makeup and eat all day? you got it.

stop trying to brainwash me. it's annoying. and VERY RUDE.

i'm thinking about taking some kind of karate, tae kwon do or whatever. for one thing, a friend of mine with an LD said it helped him focus better. i need help in this department, along with losing some damn weight. next, my confidence is below shit these days. it just dropped suddenly, and i hate it. finally, i've been incredibly depressed, feeling things that i know i shouldn't have to feel.

apparently karate takes care of all of this. i mean, it helps. i looked some stuff up, and decided i'd look into it. i doubt it will really solve my problems, but why can't i try?

there's a small dojo across the street from my house, so i'm probably going to do check it out sometime this week, maybe to talk to the sensei there. i may or may not tell him/her all my reasons. i dont want him/her to think i'm a weak, pathetic loser. which i am, by the way.

so that's soemthing to consider, i guess. i mean, i have nothing better to do with my time. i'll hopefully be getting a job soon, or at least an interview or two, and after that, i'm home. so why not have an hour to learn something cool?

i used to take karate, tae kwon do, actually, when i was 10. i only reached yellow belt, which was level two, and a stripe or two (i really can't remember) and i left because one: i hated myself too much and didn't feel i deserved to better myself, and two: too much damn homework. also i was embarrassed by being the only fat kid in a karate class.

i'll go talk to the sensei later, if i can.

so i finally started my own little sweatshop in my basement. i found a bunch of old shirts in my room, bagged 'em, and transported them to my basement. tonight, i made a shirt that apparently was on the cover of cover girl at some point. it's cute. not quite ready to be flaunted out of my basement., but cute.

i made it with an invader zim T. zim is all stoic and serious, while a bunch of GIRs are dancing around with the caption "I'm dancin' like a monkey!"

i have another shirt from old navy. it's lime green with a little loaf of bread with eyelashes, and the caption is "loafin' around". that t shirt had me laughing out loud for a week or so everytime i looked at it. lordy... i have others.

there is a thrift shoppe in wilton, which is like 10 minutes from my house, so i might go over ther and see if they have anything epic for me to sexify. i also want white and black hoodies to make my orca hoodie. i'm so excited!!

i also need to find out if i can get a third recommendation letter from a former employer (actually, it was one of my volunteer jobs), but she really liked me, and still invites me to little volunteer parties! so i'm sure she'll help me out. she's a sweetie like that.

i figure i'll start to send out letters/resumes to schools and do their interviews while i work parttime somewhere, like a bookstore or music place. something that doesnt involve food. hmmm...a job at the FYE? maybe...

alright, ya'll. git some damn sleep!

oh, one more thing: "nobody likes prowl."

i went to a hot topic for the first time in months today, and yes, i did buy something there. sorry!!

anyways, they had this awesome shirt of GRIMLOCK, so how could i resist it???

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/store/product.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302028401&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524442169991&bmUID=1199412940813

i bought it and now plan to sexify it with some awesome t shirt surgery. i just dont know what to do with it yet. i have a few shirts to alter, like this one of Bender saying "bite my shiny metal ass'. hehehe...

i'll practice tonight making a 50's style halter with some shirt in my closet.

i'm excited!!

-your favorite anti-hero

haven't been here in a while, so....howdy.

um...so for the first three days i was in CT for break, i didn't touch my computer. it felt soooooo good to not go near this aspect of technology. and then i turned it on, and here i am, second time this week, up till 3 am on the machine. i suck.

i've been super obsessed with transformers lately, and even though i get to have fun with them with emO, my studies and practicum ate up most of my time and commitment to life, so now, i'm kind of over-binging on the cybertronians.

i need to sleep though. really bad.

so, g'night.

-jess

......

what, did you think i'd leave you with nothing entertaining? come on, that's like, my friggin' job. here, these aren't my own works, but the works of awesome people i don't actually know on the DA:

http://tohjosakana.deviantart.com/art/Jazz-kisses-berry-70936218

http://tohjosakana.deviantart.com/art/Pumpkin-pants-72833412

http://vr-eli.deviantart.com/art/The-Gourde-of-Fairfax-24492473

http://dolphy.deviantart.com/art/What-s-that-40539096

http://stunticon.deviantart.com/art/OTP-4EVA-BITCHES-68224431

have fun!!

i've never been so embarrassed by anyone saying something to someone else. jeez. it's kind of funny in a bad way. let's hope it never happens again.

in other news, giving jeremiah dube of vermont the finger should be mandatory. give him the finger today!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20255585/


i did not write this article. i always thought that would be pretty obvious.

so, the past few nights, i've been having very weird dreams. dreams about something i worshipped when i was little. then, after a little incident in high school, i lost a bit of my memory, and with it, the thing i practically worshipped. but these past few nights, these dreams have been telling me what i did wrong in and after high school, and now i remember.

i was going to be a marine biologist.

sounds so unlike me, right? it's not that odd, actually. if you knew me as a kid, you knew i was obsessed with water, and water animals. i love whales. i still love whales. i just recently remembered i loved whales.

the dreams revolved around my favoriite animal and whale, the orca. for anyone out there that is stupid, orca is the name for the so-called killer whale. it's big, has teeth, and it's black and white.

i wanted to be a marine biologist since i was seven, up till i was about twelve or thirteen. i knew nearly everything there was to know at the time, i had seen "free willy" about four hundred times (i got a free poster at the theatre too!), i watched the tv specials and recorded them to watch them over and over, i took out every book in the libraries that i could find, and i drew orcas like a crazy stalker. i was even an orca for halloween.

yes, i loved them. but high school ended my love for them, for believe it or not, i failed marine bio. how does someone, who studies this stuff obsessibly, fail at it?

everything else confused me. like, really confused me. i understand DNA and genetics, and tropic levels and food chains and the balance of life, but some of it didn't click for me. i failed.

and now these dreams of flying orcas that talk are haunting me. and i know that i chose the worng path. i decided to become an art teacher in my last year of high school. and i only chose it because art was the only thing i knew to do, and i wasn't very good at it.

what the hell happened?

i got scared. i get scared so easily, but i'm good at hiding it. i got scared that people would know i did badly in school, and would mock me for trying to be something from my childhood dreams. it was stupid of me to want to be something cool.

but not anymore. now i could care less if people think i'm unrealistic, which i am, and my ideals are just as good as everyone else's. so i'm not going to be a business woman, or a police officer, or a musician, or politician.

maybe after school, i'll do some research. i want to be a marine biologist so badly. i'll probably get the dreams professionally interpreted, but for now, i finally figured out why i've been feeling like shit for the past seven years.

not many people enjoy test taking. i certainly dislike taking tests. i'm sure everyone else hates them too. but why do we hate them so much? we're required to memorize all this information that really doesnt mean squat to us, even the MTEL VA (Visual Arts) version.

these tests measure not our own intelligence, but textbook memorization. that's it. the regents in NY, as i have been told, test for nothing other than memorized facts that are forgotten once the test is over. the result is that the test takers are left with nothing in their education to graduate with. nothing at all, except some facts that they will never think about again, let alone affect them later in life.

IQ tests are also useless. humans are obsessed with the idea of perfection and brilliance, and to be honest, i think anyone who bases life and rates other people depending on their IQ scores is a worthless sack of shit who needs to rethink his/her ideals. it's human nature to make mistakes, and to not know everything in the universe. there is much we aren't supposed to know.

schools don't educate. they rarely do. it usually isnt until one reaches college that education becomes something that can be appreciated. public schools are factories that just build up students' high hopes of being someone, and then makes it all come crashing down to their feet when they can't measure up to the high standanrds of the MCAS or CMTs. and for what? to impress harvard and yale? why? why is this so important to people?

education is not something to abuse, and yet here we have america's educators using it for all the wrong reasons.

here's another reason: if you go into a bookstore, or online, or take a prep course like the princeton review, you will learn that the subject matter is not what's important. you won't find information, you will find ways to "crack the test". that means tips and tricks to get around the test (if you dont knwo the answer, choose C, etc...). so why are we wasting time on a test that we can crack as if it were a code written by the FBI? is that what we're paying for? $120 to take a test that doesn't revolve around information but instead to CRACK A CODE?

if anyone in the world is aware of how much of a scam these tests are, i hope they let the rest of the world know, because right now, no one seems to notice.

freaking hilarious.